Seeing a brief snippet of the Love Hurts trailer made me a little depressed, not gonna lie. Ke Huy Quan—so charming in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and The Goonies—made a triumphant return to Hollywood, won an Oscar for Everything Everywhere All at Once, joined the Marvel universe, and now, in his first lead role, finds himself headlining this… film (can we even call it that?), which is being quietly dumped into theaters in early February.
This type of action-thriller premise (a retired killer forced back into action) has successfully revitalized careers before—Liam Neeson and Keanu Reeves come to mind. But honestly, is there a single person on Earth who can look at Ke Huy Quan’s warm, infectious smile and believe he was once a ruthless assassin for his criminal brother? Unless played for full-blown comedy, this premise was doomed from the start.
And sure enough, it’s not just a case of a bad trailer. The warning signs were all there. The film is written by three screenwriters (which almost always spells trouble) and directed by Jonathan Eusebio, a stunt coordinator making his directorial debut. The result? An 83-minute runtime that somehow feels as endless as waiting in line to file your taxes.
It plays out exactly as expected. The screenplay is both dull and unnecessarily convoluted. Secondary characters are either painfully generic or downright irritating. The action sequences are exhausting—over-reliant on hyperactive camerawork that sticks too close to the actors, draining any tension and wasting the stunt work. At least the soundtrack tries to inject energy and style but only highlights the film’s failure to create either.
The film’s attempt at romance—something even it doesn’t seem convinced by—results in one of the most forced relationships ever put on screen. And I’m not just talking about the cringeworthy subplot involving secondary characters; I mean the central romance itself, the one that supposedly justifies the film’s title. It’s meant to be the emotional core of the protagonist’s arc, yet at no point did I believe that Ariana DeBose and Ke Huy Quan’s characters would share any meaningful connection.
DeBose, for her part, seems destined for a future WatchMojo ranking of the worst post-Oscar career choices. Since West Side Story, she has yet to land a decent role, but this is a new low. Overacting through exaggerated expressions, forced humor, and an unbearable series of awkward laughs, she does nothing to make her character compelling. Her so-called “brilliant” moments lack impact, and she’s unconvincing both as a former lawyer and as someone capable of executing the film’s action beats.
If the romance is weak, the villain subplots are even worse. These scenes are often tedious in action films, but here, they reach new heights of monotony, dragging on with endless twists, betrayals, and long-winded monologues. Why can’t movies just keep these things simple?
The film also somehow manages to squander a long-awaited Goonies reunion, reuniting Ke Huy Quan and Sean Astin after 40 years. A far more compelling story would have been the one that preceded this film—one that focused on Quan’s character turning his life around through the kindness and influence of Astin’s. If anyone could believably reform a ruthless assassin into the smiling real estate agent we meet at the beginning of the movie, it’s Sean Astin.
Whether Ke Huy Quan could be convincing in such a role with a stronger script is an optimistic question. Yet his natural charm is undeniable, and despite the film’s best efforts to undermine it, it still manages to shine through in small moments—his beaming smile in the first few minutes as he prepares a house for a showing is a prime example. But even that isn’t enough to salvage what is otherwise a tedious, drawn-out experience. At just under 90 minutes, Love Hurts somehow feels like an endurance test, featuring some of the worst romantic chemistry in recent cinema, uninspired fight sequences, and laughably ineffective villains.
Love Hurts truly does hurt.